


Without Words

by emmaliza



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: 90s fic, Abandonment Issues, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Depression, Dom/sub Undertones, Implied/Referenced Emotional Abuse, M/M, The Wilderness Years, but mostly - Freeform, technically both!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 15:53:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17428943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmaliza/pseuds/emmaliza
Summary: "Are you going to stay, Jay?""I want to."After the band's split, Howard and Jason meet up. Only briefly, mind.





	Without Words

Jason turns up at his flat and Howard would like to say it's all the same, that it's just like it was back a year or two ago now, that Jason just has to look at him, be as beautiful and reassuring as he always was, and then it's fixed, Howard will feel like he used to back when he saw Jason every day, when Jay, and everyone else around the two of them, told him who he was meant to be and what they expected from him.

It isn't, of course it fucking isn't, but Howard was still holding out hope that it would be like that.

Still, Howard throws his arms around Jason and clings to him. He's being too needy, probably, but if he remembers correctly, this is what they were all always like together, wasn't it? “Hi there, mate,” he says, and not for the first time, his body feels a lot more honest than his mouth does. Either way, Jason smiles, and Howard shivers faintly at the feel of his lips against his neck.

“Hi.”

He invites Jason into his kitchen, offers him a drink. “I'm not drinking anymore,” Jason tells him with a wry grin, fully anticipating the mockery for being on another one of his health kicks, as he always is. Howard snorts, but is quick to provide a cup of tea instead – he's only got regular tea, not all those fancy herbal teas Jay's always loved, and they've always taken the piss out of him for. Maybe he should have thought of that earlier, when he first asked Jay to come over.

As Jay sips his tea and Howard his beer, they then start talking, just innocent small talk really, catching up, since it really has been awhile since they've seen each other. Howard pretends it doesn't hurt that he has no idea what's gone on in Jason's life for the past six months or so. He lets Jay go on about his newfound acting career – and that still puzzles him, the thought of Jay as an actor. Jay's the most honest man he's ever met, how could he lie for a living?

Then again, from the look in Jason's eye, Howard would bet he thinks he's not up to scratch either. But he's sure he's not going to make it as a singer, so what else is he meant to do?

That's what Nige always used to say, anyway. Howard winces thinking that, and so tries not to.

Jason quickly looks unsure, embarrassed, and so tries to shift the topic of conversation. “What about you, Dougie?” he asks. “What are you up to these days?”

Howard stops. Logically, he does have something to say – he's done a whole fucking record, that they tell him is going to be released any day now, really. Plus some DJ work here and there. But none of that feels real. It's just, wasting time, doing what people say he should while...

_Waiting. Waiting, for you all to realise this was a stupid idea, for you to come back to me._

Fuck, he can't say that.

Howard averts his eyes, stalling, desperately trying to come up with an answer he can actually give – one that's honest, because he's sure Jay would know it if he lied, while still not making Jason feel guilty for anything. Nothing comes to mind, and he feels the cup land on his kitchen counter, the atmosphere in the room shifting. “How?” Jay is concerned about him, of course he is, he was always like that, and Howard just wishes he could...

He looks back up with a shuddering breath. There's only one answer, really.

Clumsily, Howard grabs Jason by the back of the neck, kisses him fiercely. Jason makes a bemused noise – he could take it or leave it. Howard closes his eyes and pulls him in closer, for once thankful for his body, that all those muscles their audiences used to drool over mean that he's _strong_. He can pull Jason in close and push his tongue against those lips, and so long as Jason doesn't actively try to pull away, he doesn't have to acknowledge that he's begging.

Hesitantly, Jason's hands come up to grasp him by the shoulders, letting Howard throw himself at him and he was always the body of the band; his body was always more honest than the rest of him.

* * *

Jason follows him to his bedroom with only slight confusion; this isn't new, back in the day, everyone's hands were all over everyone else whenever they felt like it, but there was a silent agreement that when the band split, that was all over.

But Howard's not got great self-control, he needs something that a cup of tea or a beer won't give him, and Jason – well, for now at least, Jason's willing to indulge him.

Jason starts to kiss him back as Howard pulls him into the room, falling back into the habit. He doesn't bother turning the lights on. Usually he does, but with Jay, he wants to believe Jay remembers what he looks like.

There's a heavy sigh into his mouth, while Howard impatiently pulls the clothes out of the way, possibly tearing something, he's not sure. Jason's hands loosely grip his hips while Howard gets them both naked, impatient and unpretentious; he wants to have sex with Jay, that's all, and anything else he feels about it can be figured out later.

He pulls Jason down on top of him onto the bed, the mattress probably less comfortable than most people would expect from either of them (but if they're going to be living off royalties the rest of their lives, he ought to be spacing it out). Jason groans as his cock meets Howard's through what remains of their clothing, and that need, being two young men hard and eager and just having to come, somewhere, doesn't matter where or who with, that is familiar, that lets Howard fool himself that this really is going how he wanted it to.

Jason tosses his underwear aside and wraps a hand around him; Howard moans and bucks up toward him eagerly. “It's alright, Dougie,” he whispers in Howard's ear. Howard can feel him wrinkle his nose. He doesn't like the dreads – no-one, other than him, has ever liked the dreads. Howard knows he'll have to chop them off soon. He's pushing thirty, and a white fella over thirty with dreadlocks? It just doesn't work.

Still, Howard's afraid of what will happen when he does. There were always two dancers at the back, but only one with dreads. If he cuts them off, will people forget him completely?

Before he knows it, Howard is guiding Jason's hand away, whimpering at the physical loss but needing something else, badly. Jason's fingers graze gently behind – _against_ , Howard realises he's pushed Jason's fingers up against his hole, and Jason raises an eyebrow at him. “You sure about this?”

Howard bites his lip. _No, not really,_ thinks a part of him, but he won't say that. He doesn't mind if Jason's on top. He wants Jason to be in control. He wants to feel like Jason's taking care of him.

(He wants _someone_ to.)

“Yeah,” he says, and Jason sighs, reaching to the side. There's lube in his top drawer, and he doesn't know how Jason knew that, but anyway. Howard spreads his legs like a good little slut, and he never really thought of himself as that, but as someone who took his clothes off for a living for the last half-decade or so, what else could you call him?

“Howard,” Jason says, kissing him again, slowly pouring the lube onto his fingers, “it's okay. You don't owe me anything.”

Howard whimpers as Jason's finger slowly slide inside him. Jay doesn't understand, not really. “Please Jay,” he says and then pushes his tongue into the other man's mouth, hoping to shut him up. He can't bear talking anymore.

Jason is obliging, his tongue filling Howard's mouth just has his fingers fill his hole, and Howard winces at the stretch. He's not used to it, not really – not anymore. But he breathes deeply, and reminds himself that he's done a lot worse to his body over the years.

It's not like Jason to be rough anyway; he's painfully careful, slowly inserting one finger after another, and Howard feels tears spring to his eyes unwittingly. It feels nice, when Jason does it, and that perhaps he wasn't prepared for. He moans when Jason smoothly, elegantly crooks inside him, rubs against something that makes his cock twitch hard against his belly, and he wants to believe the fact Jay knows how to make him feel good means more than it does.

Howard meets the movements, thrusting back onto Jason's hand and throwing his head back against the pillow, open wide and shameless until Jason decides he's slicked up enough, starts reaching for a condom. Of course he does; they've barely seen each other for months, who knows where either of them's been in that time?

He grabs Jason's shoulders and lets him line himself up, trying to remember the last time they did this. Years ago, easily. Still, he remembers liking it, and so there's no reason to be afraid. There's no reason to feel as desperate as he does.

Jason grabs his cock again and squeezes – Howard's not sure if that's meant to please him, or just to reassure. Either way, he moans. “I mean it, Dougie,” Jay tells him. “I'm not going anywhere.”

 _Lies_ , Howard thinks immediately. They're all gone. They might come back and see him occasionally, but that doesn't make them any less gone. If anything, that makes it worse. “Just fuck me, Jay,” he hisses, closing his eyes. If any tears slip out of him, or if Jason's hurt, he can't see it.

But Jason is still careful, thoughtful as he slips inside, not pushing Howard any further than he has to. Howard cries out as he feels that cock breach him, and thrusts up to meet Jason's movements, willing to push himself if Jay won't. Jay grabs him by the hips and holds him still, not letting Howard rush him. He kisses Howard's hair – those stupid fucking dreads – gently. _Patience,_ he says silently. _I'm going to take care of you._

Jay could always talk for England, not like Howard, but somehow, what he said always meant the most when he said it without talking at all.

Howard whines as he feels Jay's cock split him open, and Jay keeps gently stroking him, keeping him hard and ready as pleasure from being filled up like this does battle with the pain. _Jay would never hurt me_. Blindly, he gropes for Jason's hip and squeezes hard enough to bruise, while Jay makes soothing noises in his ear. _I'm a mess. And he knows it._ But Jay, Jay would never say something like that to him.

He moans as Jason slowly finds a rhythm, guiding his legs further apart and then tilting him upwards, letting himself strike Howard from a better angle, making him gasp in pleasure at every thrust. Jay isn't going to just use him. Other people might. Howard, Howard can't help leaning back and letting Jay do what he will, because Jay clearly knows what he's doing, knows how to make him feel good, for now at least.

Howard wants to believe it means more than it does, but he doesn't. Jay isn't going to stay with him. He can't. Jay needs something, something Howard cannot give him – to find himself, beyond what the press glare and Nigel's constant snide words did to him. Nigel, shit, of all the people to think about while he's getting fucked, but he knows he can't tell Jason he'd be safe by his side, when he's still got Nige for a manager – he's the last one too, even Gaz has cut his ties, and maybe Howard should let him go but he doesn't know what else he'd do. He doesn't know how to be anything other than what they once were. Even though he can't be.

And Jay, Jay _needs_ to be something else.

He whimpers, and Jason's hand around his cock tightens. Howard pulls him back into a kiss, wet and lewd and he can't help but think, if they did this on stage, the girls would all go mad. He's still thinking like that. Take That is long over for everyone but him.

Jason pulls him tight and Howard gasps; he can feel his balls tighten, telling him this too will be over soon. It's all over. Gaz is off in America, which makes Howard ache inside, makes him want to beg his best friend to come back to where he belongs, but at the same time, he doesn't want to get in the way of what Gaz has always wanted. Mark, Mark still wants to prove himself, wants to be something other than the cute one, and Howard – who barely remembers what it was like to go on stage fully dressed – relates more than he really wants to. And Rob, who the fuck knows what Rob is doing these days?

They've gone their separate ways. They've split up. That's what bands _do_.

 _Jay's still here, Jay's still with me,_ Howard tells himself, squirming on the end of Jason's cock, but it's not the same. Jason can't stay forever. He has to go find himself, and Howard's sure wherever he goes, it's going to be far away. In the end, everyone has to leave, and someone has to be the last one to do so.

Eeny meenie miny moe, guess who's fucking it?

He cries out as Jason's cock pushes inside him just an inch too deep, then suddenly and without warning, he spills all over his belly. _Of course. Kind of an anticlimax._ His body shudders, telling him he's just had an orgasm, but he doesn't feel like it somehow. Jason groans and quickens his pace, while Howard braces himself. Jason gasps into the crook of his neck when he comes, his seed filling the condom quickly, and it makes Howard wish he hasn't worn it – he knows it's not safe, but still, he wishes he could feel Jason's come inside him. He wishes he felt like all of this was more permanent than it is.

Clearly, Jason notices the look on his face, and as soon as he's recovered he cups the side of Howard's face softly. “You alright, Dougie?” he asks. He doesn't even bother to take the condom off, so concerned is he with Howard's feelings.

Howard bites his lip. He knows he shouldn't say anything, he's being selfish – Jay needs to go find himself, and he doesn't have the right to hold him back.

But still, they were always the two dancers at the back. If any of them were going to stay with him, should it be Jason?

“Are you going to stay, Jay?” he asks, not trying to hide how his voice wavers. That's always the way it was. Whenever he cried, whenever he was shy, whenever he needed anything, it was always Jason who looked after him. That's just who Jason is.

Jason hesitates a moment, then sighs. He respects Howard too much to lie to him. “I want to,” he says. “Really, How.”

Howard nods. “I understand.” And really, if he dragged Jay back into this just for his sakes – he'd hate himself for it.

He pulls Jason back into another kiss, soft and gentle. He means it to be a goodbye kiss, a kiss that says he really is letting go.

But he can't, not yet.


End file.
